Quote of the Month
The tide recedes but leaves behind bright seashells on the sand. The sun goes down but gentle warmth still lingers on the land, the music stops and yet it echoes on in sweet refrains…for every joy that passes, something beautiful remains.
– Haadin Marshall
I thought the hardest blog post I’d be writing this summer would be about my perspective on turning 60 in June.
Then in early July my healthy, active, and beloved 87-year-old dad died from a sudden illness.
Bam.
Talk about perspective shifting.
While I’m still regaining my footing (grief is a beast) I didn’t want to wait to share a few important nuggets with you now. Especially for those with aging parents. Grief is nothing if not clarifying.
From a heart perspective:
- Kindness is everything.
- Nurses are superheroes.
- Tending to my dad during his last days at home and holding his hand as he took his last breath was the hardest and most profound experience of my life. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
- Love never dies.
From a practical perspective:
- Talk to your parents (and partners!) about their end-of-life wishes now. Even if it’s uncomfortable.
- Make sure they have, and you have access to, wills, power-of-attorney and healthcare directive documents.
- Make a list of all accounts (banking, home and auto insurance, credit cards, utilities, memberships, subscriptions) with log-in information, account numbers, payment methods used, and customer service numbers.
- Have a document that includes doctor names and #s, allergies, current medications. Keep it accessible in an emergency. Make sure your parent’s doctors have you listed as someone they can share medical information with.
- This may sound morbid or like it’s tempting fate, but when my dad turned 80 my brother drafted an obituary and I started a Word document with fragments of stories and thoughts to include in a eulogy. This was enormously helpful when the time came.
- Create a list of contact information of those you will want to notify after your parent passes.
These are five questions that surgeon and writer Dr. Atul Gawande suggests asking loved ones nearing the end of their lives. Things were moving so fast with my Dad that we didn’t discuss all of these questions in his last 2 weeks but thankfully one of his gifts to my brother and me was telling us for years what would be important to him at the end of his life.
- What is your understanding of where you are and of your illness?
- What are your fears or worries for the future?
- What are your goals and priorities?
- What outcomes are unacceptable to you? What are you willing to sacrifice and not?
- And later, what would a good day look like?
Lastly, I now see turning 60 as the incredible gift and privilege it is – crows feet be damned. And I hope to live every one of my remaining days believing that and taking the gorgeous life lessons and values of both my parents into my heart and the world.
Until next time, take care of yourself.
Leave a Reply