A few years ago, I asked my client Kate what I thought was an innocent question – how did she celebrate her recent promotion.
 
Kate was already an incredibly accomplished and well-regarded leader at a healthcare company. In addition to being an MD, she’d earned her MBA, held significant volunteer roles in her community and was mom to three school aged children.
 
I was expecting she’d tell me about the fancy dinner her husband treated her to, or show me a fun piece of jewelry that she’d purchased, or gush about a celebratory happy hour with a few friends.
 
Instead, Kate told me that other than her husband she hadn’t told anyone else her good news and didn’t plan to.
 
My eyes widened.
 
I’ll ever forget Kate’s answer when I asked her why she hadn’t shared her well-earned promotion with anyone else:
 
“If I tell them I was hired, I’ll just have to tell them when I’m fired.”
 
Ouch.
 
I was sitting with an incredible, accomplished, generous woman who, despite all she’d achieved on the outside, struggled mightily to feel her success on the inside. Add to that, she doubted that she was the real deal – that she had what it took to succeed in her new role.
 
Double ouch.
 
You can bet the goals of our coaching immediately expanded to include diminishing the impact the imposter syndrome was having on her.
 
In a future blog post I’ll share a few notable and surprising benefits of the imposter syndrome, but those benefits have limits. And when we can’t truly credit ourselves for and be nourished by our accomplishments for fear that we’re a fraud, then what’s the point in achieving them?
 
My guess is that many of you can relate to Kate’s reluctance to claim let alone celebrate her accomplishment. Many women – especially those of us of a certain age – were taught not to draw attention to ourselves or to appear boastful or arrogant.
 
But we do a disservice to ourselves and to those around us when we fail to own our gifts, acknowledge our triumphs, and bet on our best.
 
Kate’s homework at the end of our session was to tell her children and 3 friends about her promotion and to choose a way to celebrate that felt authentic to her.
 
A week later I was thrilled to receive the relaxed and smiling selfie she took after enjoying a long overdue massage.
 
Now it’s your turn. You don’t have to wait for a promotion to claim and share and celebrate an accomplishment – these days just getting half-way through your to-do list counts! So tell me, what’s one thing you feel good about accomplishing this week? 

You matter,

We are each other’s harvest; we are each other’s business;
we are each other’s magnitude and bond.
―Gwendolyn Brooks

During the months we were sheltering at home some people created pandemic pods of neighbors to allow for extended and safe interaction with others.
 
Now that most of us can leave our homes and neighborhoods, it’s time to think about creating your post-pandemic pod.
 
Lucky for me, my pod has been alive and kicking before, during and after the lock-down, and my life is better because of it.
 
It’s been almost 20 years since Val, Jean, Jane and I began meeting for coffee every week. Actually, when we first came together we met monthly and kept the topics professionally focused, but we soon realized that monthly wasn’t enough and restricting the conversation to professional topics wasn’t possible.
 
What was possible, and deeply desired, was meeting between 8 and 9am every Friday at a coffee shop or at one of our homes. Ten years into it, Val moved out of state, but that didn’t stop us from including her by phone. When Covid hit we met by Zoom.
 
These women and this hour are my touchstone.
 
Each week we share our victories, struggles, grievances and hopes, knowing each will be welcomed and accepted.
 
We have only two norms but they have served us well.
 
The first is that we can miss a week only if we have paying work or a life-affirming activity (Though now that we’re getting older medical appointments are becoming legit excuses too!)
 
The other norm is that when the group speaks, we must listen. For instance, when Val was considering an opportunity to take a writing class with her favorite teacher in Italy, we insisted she sign up immediately. And when Jane was debating to leave a job with a soul-crushing manager and commute, we reminded her of how fulfilled she had been with her own business a few years earlier.
 
Currently the group is encouraging me to keep my pandemic hair habit of forgoing the blow dryer in favor of my curls.

My weekly coffee with Jean, Jane and Val is so integrated into my life that when I have to miss a week, I feel antsy and incomplete.
 
Now that many of us are taking baby steps back into the world, consider who you might invite into your post-pandemic pod.

1. Think of 3-4 other people you care about and whose opinions you value. (They don’t all have to know each other or live in the same place.)
2. Offer up a trial period of three months and/or six meetings. Perhaps meeting every other week to start if weekly feels like too much.
3. Keep the time commitment you establish. If you agree to meet for an hour, be sure to wrap up on time.

If we’ve learned anything during the pandemic it’s that other people matter, time is precious, and this messy and magnificent journey of life is indeed better when shared.

You matter,

 

Have you ever driven yourself nuts? It happened to me just last week.
 
I was in T.J. Maxx for the first time in 16 months.
 
Though I didn’t find the towels I was looking for, I did stumble upon a section of dog beds, which was fortunate as my dog Gracie was turning 12 later that week, and, though her gift list surely included bones, treats, and balls, I’d been wanting to replace one of her dog beds.
 
The selection of beds covered three long shelves. After touching and considering the many options, I narrowed my choice down to two beds.
 
And still I couldn’t decide.
 
Which bed would Gracie find most comfortable? Which bed would my husband find least distasteful? Which color would look best in our family room?
 
I finally forced myself to pick one of the beds and started walking to the checkout line. Halfway there I stopped. What if I got the wrong bed? I knew I could return it, but that would mean another trip. I even reminded myself that if the bed didn’t work I could donate it to a shelter.
 
And still.
 
I couldn’t decide.
 
I turned around, returned the perfectly fine dog bed to the shelf and left the store exhausted and frustrated.
 
On my way home while trying to summon a bit of self-compassion, I recalled some relevant research about decision-making.
 
Behavioral psychologists discovered two approaches people often take when faced with multiple options. ‘Maximizers’ strive to make the “best” decision and will scour and consider all the choices before making a decision whereas ‘satisficers’ are more comfortable settling for “good enough.”
 
As doctor and associate professor, Shahram Heshmat writes:

“Satisficers are pleased to settle for a good-enough option, not necessarily the very best outcome in all respects. A satisficer is less likely to experience regret, even if a better option presents itself after making a decision. Compared to satisficers, maximizers are more likely to experience lower levels of happiness, regret, and self-esteem. They also tend to be perfectionists.”

Sound familiar?
 
It does to me. And even though I’m aware of this research I still found myself trying to maximize my choice of a $22.00 dog bed.
 
Now while none of us are purely maximizers or satisficers, I find that like me, many of my high-achieving clients have a bias towards maximizing – which often leads to less productivity and more dissatisfaction.
 
If you can relate, consider:

1. When possible, give yourself fewer, not more, choices to consider.
2. Ask yourself which choice will meet your needs now – not which choice is “the best.”
3. Tune into your gut feeling rather than an objective notion of perfection.

Doing so will help you receive the benefits of satisficing which include:

• Getting more things accomplished
• Being less vulnerable to social comparison
• Feeling less regret with decisions.

While my maximizing approach to choosing Gracie’s dog bed frustrated me, it did get Gracie the new bone, ball, and extra cookie she wanted for her birthday. Which ultimately satisfied both of us.

You matter,

Even if you have a lot of work to do, if you think of it as wonderful, and if you feel it as wonderful, it will transform into the energy of joy and fire, instead of becoming a burden.
–Tulku Thondup Rinpoche

 

When I was in graduate school, my best friend in the program, Lori, and I would sometimes launch a friendly competition to see who could start the best procrastination project to avoid completing our challenging assignments.

One month my procrastination project was organizing a folder of recipes I’d ripped from magazines – even more ridiculous since I didn’t cook at the time. Lori handily won the contest after spending an entire Saturday afternoon drawing and cutting out adhesive flower petals and putting them on the bottom of her bathtub!

Somehow, despite our creative diversions, we both graduated, but not without a lot of suffering. Even when we were engaged in our avoidance activities, we were never truly free of the heaviness and anxiety of postponing our work.
 
Can you relate?
 
Fast forward 10 years. I’m attending an orientation program at my son’s high school where the faculty is reviewing the character-based guidelines that are the bedrock of the community. Not only did the school insist the students follow the guidelines, but they also encouraged the parents to do so as well.
 
This is where I was introduced to the motto: “Hard before easy” and boy does it work!
 
Now when I consider my to-do list each day, I ask myself which task is the hardest and do my best to tackle that first. If I don’t have time to complete the task at that time, I’ll at least spend a few minutes getting it started – often the hardest part.
 
For instance, one item on my to-do list this week is giving some difficult feedback to a vendor I work with who hasn’t been delivering. This is something that could easily prompt me to dive into a procrastination project like Googling recipes for the perfect guacamole. But instead, I spent the first 15 minutes of my workday writing my notes for the conversation and scheduling our meeting. Just taking these first small steps on this hard item made me feel more comfortable and more confident.
 
Once we have the conversation, I’ll Google guac recipes as a reward.
 
And if I’m really productive this week, maybe I’ll even make it!
 
So dear reader, tell me, what “hard thing” you’ll do today.

You matter,

It is a serious thing just to be alive on this fresh morning in this broken world.
–Mary Oliver

 

By now many of us have heard of the benefits of gratitude. As a positive psychology practitioner myself, I’ve long championed the gifts of keeping a gratitude journal to some of my clients, and for years I’ve ended my day listing 3 things that I’m grateful for. But recently I’ve realized that merely listing what we’re grateful for isn’t enough.
 
Gratitude lists may engage us cognitively but over time can become just another rote activity like brushing our teeth. The key is not just to note what we’re grateful for, but to emotionally and physically feel what we’re grateful for. Doing so allows us to “receive” and be nourished by the people, things and experiences we’ve noted.
 
For instance, I’ve often listed my husband in my daily gratitude journal, but rarely took the extra moment to feel grateful for him – to let the recognition of his patience, his support and steadfast love warm my heart. Not cool. So now, when I write his name on my gratitude list, I take a moment to reflect on exactly what quality of his that day I’m appreciating and how it makes me feel. He’ll be the first to tell you that we’ve both benefitted from my making that shift!
 
These days, my daily gratitude list tends to be shorter but richer. After I write down the items from my day that I’m grateful for it, I take a few seconds to truly savor each one. I recall the rich flavor of my morning latte, pause and smile as I reflect on my neighbor’s recent kindness, and feel awe when remembering the birds that lyrically sang outside my window as I wrote this post.
 
So dear reader, the next time you notice something you’re grateful for don’t just list it….love it.

You matter,