As first published in the Philadelphia Inquirer on August 8, 2016

As a leadership and life coach, I’ve worked with many people who want to make big changes but don’t know where to start. I often recommend they take what seems like a ridiculously small first step. Often, it makes a big difference.

I’ve been thinking about this change strategy as I consider the growing divisions in our country. Pundits often comment on the breadth and bitterness of the divides but offer few solutions. And the suggestions they do offer can feel hopelessly complex.

Maybe there is a ridiculously small first step we all can take that will lead us to a solution.

Maybe that step is something as simple as making common courtesy common again. For example:
My stepdaughter, Barclay, has a summer job as a hostess at an upscale Philadelphia brewpub. An elderly woman came in with her family for dinner. The woman mentioned she had a medical condition that made her sensitive to cold and asked for the restaurant’s temperature to be adjusted. The manager turned the thermostat down a notch, but Barclay saw that the woman still was shivering. So she dashed out of the restaurant, fetched a sweater from her car, and handed it to the customer.

The woman was so touched by this simple act of kindness that she embraced Barclay and started to cry. The next day, the restaurant manager acknowledged Barclay’s gesture in his daily employee email.
When the owner of the restaurant learned what Barclay had done, he wrote her a lovely thank-you note for what he deemed exemplary customer service.

I asked Barclay how it felt to receive this recognition, and her response was telling. She said that although the praise felt good, she was sad that something she considered “no big deal” – a common courtesy – was considered extraordinary by others.

I was sad that Barclay is growing up in a world where common courtesy is no longer the norm, where our shared humanity is obscured by shared mistrust, where acts of violence are more notable than random acts of kindness.

What if we started to change that worldview by testing my small-step strategy? What if we all went out of our way to commit acts of common courtesy?

Start by opening a door for someone, checking on an elderly neighbor on a hot day, or letting another driver merge into your lane of traffic.

What if we thought of “See Something, Say Something” not just as a call to report suspicious behavior at this guarded time, but also as a call to engage in neighborly behavior? “See someone, look him or her in the eye, and smile.”

I was recently on a train platform at 30th Street Station heading to New York. It was 7:15 a.m., and all of the people around me were looking down at their cellphones, many with headphones on.

I challenged myself to resist the urge to pick up my phone. Instead, I complimented the stylish woman next to me, whose skirt I admired. Her face lit up with a smile brighter than any phone screen.

One ridiculously small step.

Two days ago, I said “hello” to another hiker as I passed him on the Wissahickon trail.

Startled, he asked, “Was that ‘hello’ for me or are you talking to someone on the phone?”

I chuckled and answered, “No, I was saying hello to you.”

“Wow,” he replied.

Wow indeed.

If each of us takes the small step of seeing and acknowledging those around us, then maybe kindness will become contagious, common courtesy will become common again, and perhaps everyone would feel that they matter.

Let’s see if what seem like ridiculously small steps can seriously change the world. What better time than now? Join me for the You Matter Marathon – No running required!

Is it possible that two words can change someone’s day, someone’s life? What if those same two words could change the world? Well, I’m on a quest to find out – and, with your help, this quest will be a success.

This quest inadvertently began last November in a grocery store.

I was standing in the checkout line behind a woman who looked to be in her 60s. When it was her turn to pay, the cashier greeted her by name and asked her how she was doing.

The woman looked down, shook her head and said, “Not so good. My husband just lost his job and my son is up to his old tricks again. The truth is, I don’t know how I’m going to get through the holidays.”
Then she gave the cashier food stamps.

My heart ached. I wanted to help but didn’t know how. Should I offer to pay for her groceries, ask for her husband’s resume? I did nothing – yet. And the woman left the store.

As I walked into the parking lot, I spotted the woman returning her shopping cart, and I remembered something in my purse that could help her in a different but hopefully profound way. It wasn’t a handful of cash or a lead on a job for her husband, but maybe – just maybe – it would make her life better.

My heart pounded as I approached the woman.

“Excuse me,” I said, my voice trembling a bit. “I couldn’t help overhearing what you said to the cashier. It sounds like you’re going through a really hard time right now. I’m so sorry. I’d like to give you something.”

And I handed her a business-sized card.

When the woman read the card’s only two words, she began to cry. And through her tears, she said, “You have no idea how much this means to me.”

I was a little startled by her reply. Having never done anything like this before, I hadn’t anticipated the reaction I might receive. All I could think to respond was, “Oh my. Would it be OK to give you a hug?”

After we embraced, I walked back to my car — and began to cry too.

The words on the card?

“You Matter.”

A few weeks earlier, a colleague had given me the same card as encouragement for a project I was working on. When I read the card, I felt a warm glow spread inside of me. Deeply touched, I came home and ordered my own box of You Matter cards and started sharing them.

First, I gave them to family and close friends. Even if they weren’t in as dire straits as the woman at the grocery store, their faces lit up and often their eyes moistened when they read those two words.

As I became bolder, I started giving the You Matter cards to people in my community who make my life richer – such as my dry cleaner and the man who sells me fruit at the farmer’s market. While the gesture didn’t always end in an actual hug, the words were a hug in themselves. The recipients were visibly moved. And I was too.

Then I became a bit mischievous. I began leaving cards in places where I couldn’t witness who received them. I tucked one inside the pages of a library book I was returning. I placed another one in the credit card slot at a gas pump.

At the time I met the woman in the grocery store, I was completing a certificate program in Applied Positive Psychology sponsored by the Flourishing Center. I learned the science behind happiness and well-being.

One of the forefathers in the field of positive psychology, Chris Peterson, said that the entire practice boils down to three words: “Other people matter.”

Well, my experience in the grocery store confirmed that telling other people they matter also matters.

People crave connection but feel more isolated than ever. Every one of us is here for a reason. We are all essential. We need, and are needed by, each other.

Always.

Especially now.

That simple encounter in the parking lot has become the You Matter Marathon.

No running required!

The goal is to create and enrich positive connections between individuals and within communities by collectively sharing 10,000 You Matter cards during November, when the holiday season starts and too many people find too many reasons to feel they don’t matter.

So please, sign up for the You Matter Marathon today.

After you sign up, you’ll receive an email with details, including how to order your You Matter cards. The first 500 people to sign up will receive 30 You Matter cards for free!

Each week in November, you will receive an email with:

• The card sharing mission for the week. For example, during Week 1, we will give one card per day to a family member or a friend.
• A few powerful questions for reflection.
• Inspiring quotes to motivate you in this mission.

You also will be invited to a private You Matter Marathon Facebook page, where we will share our experiences and connect with each other.

Sign up and comment here if you’re ready to make some magic.

“What does imagination mean to you, and how do you cultivate it in others?”

What juicy questions! These questions were posed to me just last week during OWN-IT, a leadership conference hosted by and for the amazing women of Boston College.

I was on a panel discussing the role of imagination in a fulfilling life, along with my co-panelist Libby Moore, a dynamic coach and adventurer who, by the way, was also Oprah Winfrey’s chief of staff for 11 years.

The experience was so fun that I wanted to share a few highlights with you. First – the poem I wrote regarding what imagination means to me (after all it is National Poetry Month!). Second – my recommendations for cultivating imagination in others.

Imagination means everything to me.
Without it I wither. With it I thrive.
Imagination is the spark from which greatness derives.

It can’t be quantified with numbers or charts
But makes itself known in the depth of our hearts.

It can guide us and taunt us and challenge our being.
It can open us up to new ways of seeing.

And with this power so pure, so potent and true,
It’s the most precious of gifts to me and to you.

How to Cultivate Imagination
When I work with leaders in corporations, one of their common interests is inspiring creativity, imagination, and magic in the teams they lead. So I emphasize the following:

• Creating psychological safety in teams.
• Developing a culture and team environment where no one will be embarrassed or punished for speaking up.
• Listening to others with empathy so that all people trust they will be heard.
• Charles Duhigg recently wrote a powerful article on this topic for the New York Times Magazine.

When I’m working with individuals in life transition, I encourage three additional elements to foster imagination:

1. Take time to listen to your voice – put down the phone and be quiet.
2. Trust your voice. Allow your thoughts and dreams to flow without judgment or censure.
3. Once you know what you want then visualize both the end result (for example, a promotion) as well as the steps you will take to achieve that result (develop new skills, network, etc.).

So tell me:
How do you cultivate your imagination?

Ever notice that most of us have no trouble honoring commitments we make to others, but often fail to honor commitments we make to ourselves?

I sure do. In fact, one of the biggest reasons my clients hire me is to help them stay accountable to their goals. For some reason, just telling a person who cares about you, what you will do, increases the likelihood you will do it.

I experienced this myself this past weekend.

I love walking outside. It nourishes me emotionally, as well as physically. But I hate cold weather. And for me, anything below 70-degrees is brisk. So when the temperature drops below 45-degrees, I head for Planet Fitness, even though I never achieve the psychic benefits that walking in nature provides.

Until now.

Last week, after complaining to a friend about my aversion to winter walking one too many times, she made me promise that I would go for a short walk outside over the weekend. Little did I know when I made the promise that the temperature on walk day would drop to a bone chilling 9 degrees! And yet, because I promised my friend I would walk, I put on my long underwear, double mittens, hat, scarf and neck warmer and walked (or waddled!) outside with my cold-loving dog, Gracie, for 20-minutes. Yes, it was chilly, but I was fine. Better than fine, actually, I was invigorated. And since no one besides Gracie was around to witness my arctic achievement, I took my first selfie to send to my friend!

And here’s the thing. I’m quite certain that if I had not promised to walk outside, I would have stayed in my comfy yoga pants and fuzzy sweater and missed the moment altogether.

As my positive psychology teacher and friend, Louis Alloro says, “It may not be easy, but believing it’s hard doesn’t make it easier.”

Now it’s your turn:

• Think of a to-do you’ve been putting off.
• Pick someone who cares about you. (Pick Me! Pick Me!)
• Call, email, or text that person and promise them you will do your activity by x date.

Then let the magic begin.

So dear one, tell me:
What helps you stay accountable to your goals?

Recently a coaching client, we’ll call her Nancy, shared a story with me that had both our jaws dropping. A few days earlier, Nancy’s middle-school daughter, we’ll call her Jane, came home from school thrilled with a recognition she had received. Nancy, eager to celebrate with Jane, asked what the recognition was for. Jane eagerly reached into her backpack and presented the certificate to Nancy.

It read, “This Certificate of Recognition is for Jane for demonstrating GRIT by spending lunchtime studying for her classes. Keep up the good work.”

Neither Nancy nor I could believe that the school was actually rewarding a 13-year-old girl for skipping lunch. For skipping her break. For skipping her time with friends.

Now, I’m all for rewarding grit, folks, but this ain’t it. Research psychologist Angela Duckworth, from the University of Pennsylvania, defines true grit as the combination of perseverance and passion. But nowhere does that definition say, “at the expense of our wellbeing.” We have no idea what was motivating Jane. It could have been passion in pursuit of long term goals, but it could have just as easily been fear – fear of not being fully prepared for class, fear of getting a B instead of an A, fear of having an awkward conversation at lunch (this is middle school we’re talking about!) or who knows what. And even if Jane’s desire to study during lunch was motivated by her love of learning, is it right for the school, which guides children at this tender age, to be valuing that over self-care? I don’t think so. And neither did Nancy, who coincidentally has been working to improve her own self-care routines!

Now, the school was most likely intending to reward hard work and delayed gratification. But they missed the boat by also sending the message that self-care is incompatible with achievement. When in fact we know that self-care is fundamental to achievement, health and fulfillment.

Fortunately, as is true for everything in life, Nancy recognized this as an important teaching moment and had a series of meaningful conversations with Jane that generated some new strategies Jane can use to manage her time and take healthy breaks. In fact, now both Nancy and Jane are talking regularly about their own self-care routines. And yes – Nancy also expressed her thoughts on the matter to the school.

So dear reader, tell me:
How will you nourish yourself today?