This past week, while vacationing at the beach, I had a fascinating conversation—okay, more like ruckus debate—with my husband and 17-year-old stepdaughter, Barclay.
On our way back from a lovely dinner at a small Greek restaurant, Barclay asked if we had seen the middle-aged woman dining alone at a table by the window.
Yes, I replied. I had noticed.
Before I could ask what Barclay thought about it, she shared how startling it was to see a woman eating all by herself in public and presumably on purpose. She was sure the woman must have been embarrassed, sad, and lonely. I was about to jump in with another perspective when my husband, still scarred by solo dinners at the bar of his local tavern when he was newly divorced, chimed in with, “Yeah – she must feel like a real loser.” At which point I could hold back no more and indignantly proclaimed, “Well then honey – you married yourself a real loser because I have dined out alone plenty of times. In fact, it’s quite empowering.”
Hearing this, Barclay, more incredulous than ever, roared, “Empowering? It’s awful. I could never do that!”
“Well it’s really not as bad as it sounds,” I assured her. “Maybe the woman was taking a break from cooking. Maybe she had a craving for hummus and her husband was allergic. Maybe she was a local restaurant reviewer doing her job. Just because she was alone doesn’t mean she was lonely. I wouldn’t want to dine alone every night, but now and then it can be lovely way to treat yourself—kind of like going to the movies alone.”
“Oh my God! You’ve gone to a movie by yourself too?” “Yes,” I told her, “plenty of times.”
Barclay looked at me like I was a mummified alien.
I realize that when I was 17 most of my discretionary time, okay, most of my time—was spent trying to fit in, to find my tribe, to be chosen for the prom or the student council. Standing out and sitting alone was tantamount to death. I may have still felt sad and lonely even in a crowd (and often did), but at least my aloneness was hidden. Still, I was crestfallen to learn Barclay assumed the woman was a sad and lonely loser just because she was dining alone. Whereas I assumed, or at least held the possibility, that she was a courageous, hungry woman comfortable enough in her own skin to take herself out for a meal. Someone to admire not admonish.
My wish for Barclay is that one day she will have the power and confidence to take her beautiful, special self out for a delicious meal – and not just a McDonald’s Happy Meal, but a “I’ll-start-with-the-Caesar-salad-and-end-with-the-chocolate-mousse” meal. And I hope she savors every morsel, enjoys the flavor of her own thoughts as much as the chatter from the patrons at the table next to her, and that she leave feeling nourished as much from the sweetness of her own company as from the sweetness of the chocolate mousse.
Food for thought:
- What do you think when you see a woman dining alone?
- Have you ever dined alone? If so, how was it for you?
- If you haven’t dined alone, and are up for a challenge, give it a try. Then let me know how it goes.
Cheryl,
I enjoy eating out alone from time to time. Early in my post college days when I began my teaching career, most of my co-workers were married. Consequently, I found myself eating alone (I was not a good cook then) with a good book to keep me company. As an empty nester, I still do it today. Often its on the spur of the moment as I’m driving home from work. I also enjoy sitting in the restaurant people watching. Sometimes I see acquaintances I haven’t seen in years. Its an adventure and always a change of scene.
Thanks for sharing, Pat. Yes – I totally get the fun that can come from people watching. And the IRONY in that often times I’m watching a family or group of friends who are sitting “together” yet all texting ALONE on their cell phones. Goofy.
Cheers to you.
Cheryl
Great “food” for thought, Cheryl!
I have seen women dining alone on occasion in many types of restaurants. Like you, Cheryl, I have found myself thinking through the scenarios about why she was dining alone – but only on those occasions where I actually gave it any thought. More and more, I have to say, that I just note the solo diner as one of many in the restaurant and do not contemplate much more on the subject. I actually think couples (and some groups) are more fun to “figure out!”
Interestingly, though, I have gone through these scenarios more (perhaps only) upon contemplating a solo female diner, not a solo male diner. I suspect this says something about our culture and reinforces your husband and stepdaughter’s reactions. Harkens back to the days when a “lady” had to be “accompanied” by a proper chaperone. Well…
As both a single woman for many years and a travelling consultant for several, I have eaten alone in public on many occasions. I usually enjoyed it, although, upon reflection, I believe I did require a moment to “get over” actually eating alone when first faced with the situation. That said, I have always preferred to dine solo in public amongst people rather than tucked away alone in a hotel room.
Case in point: my favorite place to eat alone was Faneuil Hall’s Durgin Park, where I enjoyed many meals during a 2-year period of regular work-related training in Boston. The reason for this preference? Family-style seating, where as a solo diner, I sat with other individuals and groups of diners – talked with many engaging, interesting folks during my visits. We are, after all, predominantly social animals, I believe!
I rarely dine alone in public these days, but enjoy the experience when it occurs…although usually am thinking about what my husband is eating. As for solo movies, they are a luxury I still savor occasionally as a married woman, although I enjoy too much going to movies with my husband to leave him behind with any frequency.
What a wonderful story, Linda. I love the experience you shared of dining family style. Wouldn’t the world be a better place if every restaurant created that opportunity? But, being the change agent you are – you made it happen for yourself. Some folks would think that is even more courageous than dining alone! And you’ve done both. Way to go!
best wishes,
cheryl
I have enjoyed the quiet pleasure of dining alone on occasion for most of my adult life. In a busy and hectic world where my energy is in demand so much of the time, I love the time to think without a direct or immediate focus. Dining alone can provide a lovely meditative experience.
Thank you for sharing your experience, Vicki. I love your comment about it being meditative. Quite powerful and true.
Best wishes,
Cheryl
I love this, Cheryl. I really enjoy dining alone. It does feel empowering. I remember when my son was six weeks old and I went out to a nice restaurant by myself, ordered a glass of wine, and sat at the bar to eat. It felt luxurious! Now, every so often, I’ll do that for myself as a treat, a kind of “date” with myself. It’s important and exhilarating to be able to enjoy one’s own company.
I love the image of you sipping a glass of wine at the bar and enjoying your own company, Jana. That is quite beautiful. And that’s exactly the kind of exhilaration and companionship I wish for my step-daughter and for all of our daughter’s. Thank you for sharing. Best wishes. Cheryl
Especially when traveling for business, I love finding a restaurant that I wouldn’t frequent if I was with my family which include an 11 year old with picky tastes. And, in my book, there is nothing more delightful eating good food, being waited on and not having to do the dishes afterwards. I liken a meal on my own to wonderful self-care!
What a beautiful reframing, Julie. Yes – delightful indeed. Thank you for validating my thoughts, and those of many others who have commented. Best wishes. Cheryl
Actually as I read this article, I am sitting alone in a restaurant and while today I chose the counter, I often sit at a table alone and feel Chery just as you described. I am saddened as I sit here to see though so many around me staring down at there phone, unsure if they are at all aware of their surroundings, and further whether it occurs to them they may be missing out on what I love the most, meeting people outside my normal cohort, meeting people I would never have met but have perspective to share, or where they were, where their headed. There is a wonderful restaurant in Santa Fe that only has long common tables, a B and B along the Maryland shore where they create that opportunity for you. Regardless, it is wonderfully enjoyable and we have to continue to open people’s minds to what they might be missing….
HI Lois. I love that you are dining alone as you read this. How cool is that!? Yes – I share your view that it is sad to see others behave so mindless of their surroundings and of other people. But I celebrate that you are someone who is paying attention, taking good care of yourself, and staying open to your surroundings and the possibility of connecting. Bon Appetite! cheryl
Actually, I have been on both sides of the dining table. I have eaten alone and enjoyed just eating my meal alone without having to share with my husband, or have a conversation with someone. But I’ve felt at times while I was dining alone or while being out with friends and seeing someone else alone, “they mustn’t have anyone to spend time with,” or, in the case of me being alone, “people must think I don’t have any friends.” And it seems that when you’re alone in a restaurant that the waitstaff sometimes isn’t as attentive as they would be if you had company….at least that’s been my experience at times. For teenagers, you’re right, it’s like social suicide to be seen alone…ANYWHERE!!! But they will learn when they get out of school that privacy and solitude are precious things on occasion and when they get married, get jobs, have kids, etc, they will be begging for some time alone.
Hi Chrissy. Thank you for sharing the view from “both sides of the dining table.” Very good points. And I appreciate your perspective that there is a good chance my stepdaughter will one day find herself craving some undisturbed solitude and sustenance.
Be well,
Cheryl
I still feel uncomfortable dining alone, and haven’t done it very often. But once, on a business trip to Atlanta, the Eagles were in town and I went to football game by myself. I felt very brave – and had a great time!
Wow Lynn – that’s so cool! Not sure if the Eagles won the game – but you sure did! You Go Girl! Thanks for sharing.
Best wishes,
Cheryl
I think Barclay will get there one day. As you said, I think the desire to blend with a group is the proper rite of life that is being presented to her now, at just the proper time. She’s coming face-to-face with the seduction of “the group” and trying really hard to be a part of one (or many). If you keep encouraging her quiet, inner voice (and lucky Barclay to have a mom like you who does!!!), I think she will eventually guide herself into balance.
Thanks for your hopeful and validating comments, Gretchen. And it is an honor to encourage Barclay to tune in to her “quiet, inner voice” and a reminder for me to keep tuned into mine. Hope your voice in all its glory is happy and healthy.
Kind regards,
Cheryl