It happened at 4:24 p.m. one Saturday afternoon in late August. I was emptying the dishwasher, getting ready to feed my dog dinner when I was overcome with a thought – or was it a feeling then a thought? Whatever it was it was loud and clear – it was enough. I was feeling enough. Whole. Content. Wanting only what I had.
I wanted the house I was in. I wanted the husband I was sharing a mortgage and a life with. I wanted the two exquisite step-children he gave me. Not only did I want it – for the first time in maybe ever – I felt myself receive it. There I was putting away glasses and silverware and feeling as cleansed as my dinnerware.
I was startled. I have always been a seeker – a goal-setter, a self-improver by nature, a never-enougher. Comically calling myself a “possibility chic” because of the rush I would get every time the calendar provided a birthday or a New Year opportunity to reflect and recommit to impossibly lofty but ever so tantalizing resolutions. And professionally I was a trained and dedicated leadership and life coach – committed to helping my clients change, strive, grow, be their best selves.
I was three months past my 49th birthday and was already planning the possibilities for my 50th so as not to be left unawares, or worse, downright depressed. But now, putting away my glasses I felt an alchemy of gratitude, fullness, deservedness and enoughness. I wanted what I had – even though the temperature was a good 15-degrees cooler than it “should have been” this time of year, even though my cat saw fit to throw up his breakfast on the carpet we had cleaned last week and even though I worried about how I would get all my to-do’s done the next day.
Maybe this moment of non-striving is the moment I have been striving for.
And then of course I had to fend off the immediate fear that feeling this complete can only mean one thing – something horrific is about to happen. And I had to fight the urge to text all the people I love to make sure they were safe and remind myself to schedule my yearly mammogram.
But in the meantime I was going to finish emptying the dishwasher and feeling the fullness of just being wholly enough.